Humor: The Virtual Travel Package!

Emboldened by his earlier encouraging experiencewith the banking hawks Mr. Thames Pond decides to carry on from there. He takes a pledge to encounter any call from any credit card or banking executive with guts and intelligence. He must ensure that he refuse all unnecessary offers or entrapments. He’d no longer be vulnerable. And then, as usual, he gets a call right away…

  

“Hello…am I speaking to Thames Pond please?”

“Who’s this please?”

“This is Moneycanny Sir, from UC bank!...Mr. Pond?”

“Right, this is Pond. Thames Pond!”

“So nice to talk to you again! Good morning Sir!”

“Good morning..Ms. err…!”

“Mr. Pond…can I take just two minutes of your most precious time?”

“Regarding what?”

“Sir, you are one of our most privileged customers. We’ve reviewed your payment record over the years and found your credit history absolutely sound. Therefore, we’d like to offer you a rare privilege in terms of travel benefits. We are sending you a package of travel vouchers allowing you to have free five-star hotel comforts in various tourist locations you’d like to visit. We need your consent Sir so that we can forward that package to you readily.”

“You are giving me all these free, milady?”

“Absolutely Sir! This is our thanksgiving to one of our most privileged customers.”

“No payment? No hidden costs? Are you sure?”

“Yes Sir! All you have to do is to receive it!”

“Okay…in that case I can consider…Ms…err…!”

“Thanks Sir! Your package is worth more than ------ bucks. So there will be a service tax and other charges. You will pay an amount of ---- bucks for receiving the package. We’ll bill this amount in your next card statement…”

“Hey…wait a minute! What are you saying…I’ll have to pay to receive your benefits?”

“Right Sir! You are not making a payment, you are only paying taxes. Your package is worth a lot of money and so service charges apply naturally…”

“Wait a minute…you see…”

“Ours is one of the largest banks of the country with a huge network…”

“Hey..Ms…err…I’m not referring to your bank…I mean you see…that is you..and see here! You see…err…you…see…I will have to take leave from my office…book tickets…plan it perfectly to be able to avail of your travel package, right? And considering your five-star privilege I must travel by air…I cannot just crawl and slog to land up there, no? Now, the problem is it may not materialize in that specified period of yours…due to so many reasons…”

“But Sir, we expect you definitely won’t let go of such money-saving opportunity!”

“…Okay…you expect…I want too. But it is not in my hands. Now, if I fail to avail of your ‘free’ package why on earth should I pay you in advance? You send it…I’ll see, and then if I do travel and enjoy your five-star luxuries please bill the service charge…this makes perfect sense.”

“Sorry Sir! We offer you a value package and therefore we have to charge the service tax. Please confirm your agreement so that we can send it across immediately.”

“I’m sorry too…milady! I cannot give my consent…” (Cuts the line.) 

Mr. Pond watches his phone ring again. He rejects the call, deliriously happy. The process repeats itself one more time. Then silence as Mr. Pond indulges himself a broad grin.

Humor: Cash on the Cards!

Our friend Mr. Thames Pond often gets bogged down by his multiple credit card accounts. He tries to get rid of some now and then, but he gets into more traps and liabilities. On the top of it he gets bombarded with new and newer card offers. Due to his inability to refuse ladies he falls into the traps cleverly set by the card executives. He is particularly scared of the wily executive called Moneycanny whose name he cannot even clearly pronounce. He is getting another call from her now. As usual he prepares to get bold with her this time...

“Hello!”

“Hello! Can I speak to Mr. Pond please?”

“This is Pond. Thames Pond.”

“Good Morning, Mr. Pond. This is Moneycanny. Can I have two minutes of your time please?”

“Err…Ms…Regarding what?”

“Well, Sir, there is a special cash back offer for our most valued credit card holders like you.”

“Okay, tell me how do I get the cash?”

“The highest percentage cash back will be on your utility bill payments like telephone, mobile, electricity bills. This means you will regularly get some cash back every month. Then you will also get cash back on other transactions though at lower rates, but never less than one percent.”

“But I do not want to make any payments.”

“Sorry? You don’t make any bill payments or pay for other purchases?”

“I mean I don’t want to make any payment to you for this offer.”

“Oh… Mr. Pond! There is no such payment involved in this offer.”

“You mean to say I will keep on getting the cash back on just like that!”

“Definitely Sir, these are benefits for our privileged customers only. There is no annual fee and your lifetime free card is still valid with this offer.”

“Are you sure? What about hidden costs?”

“Mr. Pond, I assure you there is absolutely no hidden cost.”

“Ok then, I go game for some high cash!”

“Thanks and congratulations, Mr. Pond. I am enrolling you for this offer. Our executive will confirm your status through a phone call within twenty four hours. There is a onetime activation charge of a thousand bucks which will reflect on next month’s credit card statement.”

“I told you I am not going to make any payment to you for this offer. I asked you a thousand times about the charges. Now what’s this?”

“Sir, this is not a fee! Only an activation charge! Considering the cash backs you are sure to get continually this charge is just nothing.”

“My dear Ms…err…whatever you’d like to call this. You are making me pay thousand bucks and this will take me my lifetime to get that back through your cash backs. Sorry, I told you. Take me out of it.”

“Mr. Pond, please consider again. This offer ceases tomorrow.”

“It ceases right now for me, milady! …No payments please!”

“Thank you very much for your time Mr. Pond. Have a good day.”

“Thank you!” (click of phone disconnected)… “Ha! Ha! Ha! Got you this time, baby! Hurray!”

Humor: The Cost of Credit!

“Hello! Mr. Pond?”

“This is Pond. Thames Pond.”

“Good Morning, Mr. Pond. This is Moneycanny. Can I have two minutes of your time please?”

“Regarding what?”

“Well, Sir, this is regarding a new revolutionary scheme meant only for privileged customers like you.”

“I’m not really interested, but you can tell me in brief.”

“Thank you for your patience Mr. Pond. You see, today’s times are very uncertain. Nobody knows what happens when. In case of unfortunate demise or fatal accidents our bank will protect you by waiving off all dues on your credit card plus an assured amount. All these for a nominal premium…”

“Well, Ms…err… look! This is a very fine morning and I’m out to work with a very fresh mind. Please don’t spoil it with that talk of death and all!”

“Sorry about that Mr. Pond. But this is a benefit with only minimal cost.”

“What do you mean minimal? You just said I have to die to get the benefit! ”

“Don’t take it that way, Sir. You have a responsibility to your family. To your dearest wife.”

“Look, my wife will be so grieved at my death that she will not be compensated at all by your money.”

“But your children will definitely…”

“Not at all Ms. …err…, again! They will be equally grieved by my absence and they will try their best to prove their worth so that my soul rests in peace.”

“Mr. Pond, this is a privilege offer meant only for customers like you. Our bank cares for you at every step of your life. And as I told you this is at almost no cost.”

“My death is a huge cost for me, you see? You want me to die and then benefit me! I don’t want to die. Sorry!”

“No Mr. Pond. We don’t want you to die. We want you to live forever. I’m very sorry about your feelings.”

“But…well…err… I see now how you fool…”

“Thank you Mr. Pond. It’s our great pleasure to enroll you into this unique scheme. Your next statement will reflect this change. Have a great day Sir.”

“Hey…Ms…err…wait a minute. I’ve not confirmed. Hello…on the contrary I’ve refused your offer. Hello…Damn it!” (Click-Crash) 

                                                                      (Published Earlier In Ezinearticles) 

Humor: Credit Control Room!

“Hello, this is Moneycanny. How can I help you, Sir?”

“This is Pond. Thames Pond. It’s regarding my card accounts.”

“Hello Mr. Pond. I’ll definitely answer your queries, before that please give a few details for our verification.”

“…”

“Okay, thank you Mr. Pond. Now please tell me.”

“Well, Ms… err… you see. I’ve multiple credit card accounts with you a few of which I’ve been trying to close for over a year now. Every time they say my requests are being forwarded, but ultimately I get charged for annual fees for cards I’ve forgotten about.”

“I’m sorry about that Mr. Pond. But Mr. Pond, the annual fees got waived every time.”

“But I want them closed, cancelled.”

“I’ll definitely forward your request Mr. Pond. But Sir, you are our esteemed customer and we get extremely sorry if people like you want to close your accounts.”

“The problem is I don’t need them. You can see that I’ve never used some of them for years.”

“Mr. Pond, our credit cards are very powerful and have a lot of benefits. And you may need them in any kind of emergencies. So why not to keep them, it’s free too.”

“But I don’t need them. And I’m not a beggar to ask you for waivers again and again.”

“Right, Mr. Pond. I’m making this… and that account… lifetime free. This I can do immediately online.”

“But I don’t…”

“Mr. Pond. You have an excellent track record with us and that’s why we can do this for you. You are a special privileged customer. In fact, I’ve a pre-approved Nut Credit offer for you.”

“No. I’m not interested. You are not closing my dead accounts and on the top of that you want to give me an additional credit card!”

“Nut Credit saves you a huge amount of money on everything—purchases, transactions, withdrawals everything. Some are without service charges and totally free, Mr. Pond.”

“No, I’m not interested.”

“Nut Credit relieves you of the big burden of paying the high normal rate of interest month after month. It’s on a daily basis and really hassles free.”

“I’m not …”

“Nut Credit also operates like any savings or current accounts, and so you enjoy all the associated benefits accordingly. This is an offer made just for customers like you, Mr. Pond.”

“But I’m…”

“Nut Credit charges you only a nominal annual fee and a still smaller renewal fee every year. Mr. Pond, when you start getting the huge benefits you’ll really feel it’s nothing.”

“But…”

“Thank you, Mr. Pond. You’ll get your new card in ten working days. Is there anything I can help you, Sir?”

“Well…yes…no…but...”

“Thanks for calling Mr. Pond. Have a great day.”

                                                                               (Published Earlier in Ezinearticles)