Humor: Credit Control Room!

“Hello, this is Moneycanny. How can I help you, Sir?”

“This is Pond. Thames Pond. It’s regarding my card accounts.”

“Hello Mr. Pond. I’ll definitely answer your queries, before that please give a few details for our verification.”

“…”

“Okay, thank you Mr. Pond. Now please tell me.”

“Well, Ms… err… you see. I’ve multiple credit card accounts with you a few of which I’ve been trying to close for over a year now. Every time they say my requests are being forwarded, but ultimately I get charged for annual fees for cards I’ve forgotten about.”

“I’m sorry about that Mr. Pond. But Mr. Pond, the annual fees got waived every time.”

“But I want them closed, cancelled.”

“I’ll definitely forward your request Mr. Pond. But Sir, you are our esteemed customer and we get extremely sorry if people like you want to close your accounts.”

“The problem is I don’t need them. You can see that I’ve never used some of them for years.”

“Mr. Pond, our credit cards are very powerful and have a lot of benefits. And you may need them in any kind of emergencies. So why not to keep them, it’s free too.”

“But I don’t need them. And I’m not a beggar to ask you for waivers again and again.”

“Right, Mr. Pond. I’m making this… and that account… lifetime free. This I can do immediately online.”

“But I don’t…”

“Mr. Pond. You have an excellent track record with us and that’s why we can do this for you. You are a special privileged customer. In fact, I’ve a pre-approved Nut Credit offer for you.”

“No. I’m not interested. You are not closing my dead accounts and on the top of that you want to give me an additional credit card!”

“Nut Credit saves you a huge amount of money on everything—purchases, transactions, withdrawals everything. Some are without service charges and totally free, Mr. Pond.”

“No, I’m not interested.”

“Nut Credit relieves you of the big burden of paying the high normal rate of interest month after month. It’s on a daily basis and really hassles free.”

“I’m not …”

“Nut Credit also operates like any savings or current accounts, and so you enjoy all the associated benefits accordingly. This is an offer made just for customers like you, Mr. Pond.”

“But I’m…”

“Nut Credit charges you only a nominal annual fee and a still smaller renewal fee every year. Mr. Pond, when you start getting the huge benefits you’ll really feel it’s nothing.”

“But…”

“Thank you, Mr. Pond. You’ll get your new card in ten working days. Is there anything I can help you, Sir?”

“Well…yes…no…but...”

“Thanks for calling Mr. Pond. Have a great day.”

                                                                               (Published Earlier in Ezinearticles) 

Darbari Politics: Arvind Kejriwal Resigns And The Untouchables!

He made absolute fools of all in this wonderfully rule-breaking country of ours including this writer. This writer, inspired so foolishly at the prospect of an ‘honest’ government coming to rule the capital, called upon him not to go overboard. But enough political knowledge was necessary to understand the reality that he wanted to go overboard all the time so that he could blissfully avoid governance, go back to the streets and start anew his blame-game kind of  ‘darbari’ politics. Arvind Kejriwal, the 48-day old Chief Minister of Delhi, resigned tonight because it had been his game plan to climax his departure with the Jan Lokpal Bill (Peoples’ Ombudsman Bill against corruption which is stronger than the Lokpal Bill already passed by the Indian Parliament). Alas! Thanks to all his drama and brinkmanship he proved himself to be as good and shrewd a politician like others we are always used to. Like the others he too holds the common man in a fittingly unhealthy contempt with the ‘common’ attributes: That common people have their brains not at the right places; that they have short-term memory; that they are very emotional and eternally vulnerable; that they can be fooled again, again and again and that a use and throw policy is the perfect choice to deal with the common man. His supporters gathered at the Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) Headquarters tonight in Delhi looked like an unholy pack of zombies unseeing, shouting and following blindly.

Arvind Kejriwal first tried the Janata Darbarsmeaning public courts. He got scared in the very first and gave up the idea fearing for his dear life. Then he shielded his openly guilty minister, Somnath Bharati, passing on the blame to the central Home ministry and lamenting the fact that he did not have control over the Delhi Police. He created anarchy in the capital leading his supporters in the streets and even spending a full night with them in the streets. He got very ill, so he got scared again and called a truce having some understanding with the Lieutenant Governor (LG) of Delhi. About that time he started talking about his ultimate weapon of populism that is Jan Lokpal Bill and made it clear that he would resign if the Bill is not passed by the Delhi Assembly. In the meantime he protested against a natural gas price hike and lodged FIRs against two Government of India ministers and a business tycoon. He wanted to introduce the Jan Lokpal Bill in Delhi Assembly today totally disregarding the law and the constitution and despite LG advising him that since there is already a central legislation on that issue certain rules had to be followed or else the Bill could not be introduced. Kejriwal also wanted to have his Assembly session in the open stadium to which the LG said a clear no. Luckily he did not resign then and there. He could have waited a few more days to challenge the said laws in courts or could have followed the rules to properly introduce the Bill. And he resigned not even bothering about the much touted FIRs or his other promises to common people.

He proves another point that this writer has mentioned in these pages often. Anybody fighting corruption suddenly becomes the noblest soul, totally self-insulated, in this country and if someone complains against him/her it is a conspiracy naturally involving the rival political parties. From Baba Ramdev to a bureaucrat or policeman or lawyer or anyone attains this status of the Untouchable the moment s/he joins the fight against corruption. This is more similar to a dip in holy Ganga and cleansing yourself of all sins instantly.  Therefore, presently in our wonderfully rule-breaking country you can, immaterial if you are corrupt or not, just join the fight against corruption and attain the status of The Untouchable instantly. 

Now, the great AAP leader would start campaigning for the General Elections in his beloved streets and would continue blaming the Congress or BJP or any other rival party. Tonight he already started by putting the blame squarely on Congress and BJP for not supporting the Jan Lokpal Bill. For once these two national parties tonight are shouting rather righteously that they do always support the Jan Lokpal Bill, but did not support the way it was brought on the floor.

Arvind Kejriwal, being a ‘common’ man himself, must never underestimate the power of the common man! The common man is not always a fool and s/he can bounce back totally overturning the AAP cart. Amen!

Team India For Asia Cup And ICC World T20 Cricket: Ishant, Raina Dropped! Why Captain Dhoni Spared?

The Indian Cricket Selectors today in Bangalore announced the Indian squads for the ODI Tournament Asia Cup and the ICC World Twenty20 and axed fast bowler Ishant Sharma from both the teams. This was expected largely due to some consistent poor cricket by Ishant, particularly in South Africa and New Zealand. Suresh Raina who had a string of dismal scores over the past few months was dropped from the one-day team for Asia Cup, but was retained for the ICC World Twenty20. Cheteshwar Pujara, the Test specialist, comes into the ODI team replacing Raina. In fact, both Ishant and Raina were dropped during the on-going India Tour of New Zealand. Struggling Yuvraj Singh has been accommodated in the T20 team, but not taken back in the ODI team.

Both of the tournaments are going to be hosted by Bangladesh. The Asia Cup starts on February 25 while the ICC Twenty20 World Cup begins from 16th March, 2014.

The moot question is why the Indian Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni goes on unscathed as if nothing has happened. He lost the ODI Series in South Africa 0-2 and in New Zealand 0-4. He lost the Test Series in South Africa 0-1 and now trailing New Zealand 0-1. His decisions, his inability to inspire the team and his on-field tactical strategy have been questioned widely. He could not do anything spectacular with the bat either. Apart from all these Dhoni is being reportedly implicated in the three-member Mudgal Committee Report on IPL Spot Fixing submitted to Supreme Court yesterday. The Supreme Court of India had appointed this committee headed by Justice Mukul Mudgal to do an independent inquiry. 

One police officer from Tamil Nadu is believed to have deposed before the Committee and made some startling revelations casting doubt on Dhoni for his possible involvement in fixing an IPL match between CSK (Chennai Super Kings) captained by him and Rajasthan Royals teams. The Committee has also named the owner of Rajasthan Royals to have indulged in betting through a contact. More crucially the Committee has implicated Gurunath Meiyappan for being involved in betting and passing information about his team. The Committee also confirms him to be an official of CSK, if not the owner. He is the son-in-law of BCCI President N Srinivasan. And who is Dhoni? Answers are not hard to find in this dirty sagaof money, corruption and greed. Maybe Dhoni is still considered to be king like many of his team on slow and flat subcontinental pitches.

The Mudgal Report also names six Indian cricketers apparently involved in match fixing and a reputed one of them is still a part of the current Indian team. The Report has a sealed envelope too that will be opened only on 7^th March when Supreme Court would start hearing on the IPL Spot Fixing case. With this report and Srinivasan and Dhoni continuing to be insulated how this cricket scam is going to affect the forthcoming tournaments is to be seen. More so, if that ‘reputed’ cricketer continues to be in the team. High time Dhoni comes out with some explanation after that ridiculous press conference last year when he decidedly kept dead mum playing to the tune of his BCCI bosses. What is more interesting, the big-money IPL-2014 Auction is going to be held on 12^th and 13^th February that is from tomorrow in Bangalore. The cricket mandarins must consider themselves lucky that the Supreme Court gave them some time to get it over with.

Team India For Asia Cup: MS Dhoni (capt), Shikhar Dhawan, Rohit Sharma, Virat Kohli, Cheteshwar Pujara, Ambati Rayudu, Ajinkya Rahane, Ravindra Jadeja, R Ashwin, Bhuvneshwar Kumar, Mohammed Shami, Varun Aaron, Stuart Binny, Amit Mishra, Ishwar Pandey

TheSchedule of Matches:

Team India For ICC World T20: MS Dhoni (capt), Shikhar Dhawan, Rohit Sharma, Virat Kohli, Suresh Raina, Yuvraj Singh, Ajinkya Rahane, Ravindra Jadeja, R Ashwin, Bhuvneshwar Kumar, Mohammed Shami, Stuart Binny, Amit Mishra, Mohit Sharma, Varun Aaron

The Schedule of Matches:

The inclusion of Stuart Binny in both squads is significant. This means that the Selectors consider his all-round ability along with the tested ones like Jadeja and Ashwin keeping the ICC World Cup—2015 in mind. Binny would add some variety as he bowls medium pace. Yuvraj Singh and Suresh Raina too were not totally dispensed with, because they are most likely too to feature in the coming World Cup.